Can't Turn It Off
by F You Capslock
Summary: Everyone told him life would get better after the fact, but the unpleasant truth was maybe he was a bit more off than anyone anticipated- even his closest friends. Edd/ Eddy friendship. One-scene challenge.


Can't Turn It Off

Summary: Everyone told him life would get better after the fact, but the unpleasant truth was maybe he was a little more _off_ than anyone was willing to admit- even his best friends. One-shot. Character study, of sorts. Probably terribly OOC.

Disclaimer: I needed to write something that was (my version of) cute, the 'end of the world' and 'they're actually all dead' fics I'm working on are a bit, erhm, _dark_, shall we say. So ya get this.

… NOT intended to be Edd/ Eddy romantics, but I suppose it could be if you squint.

Xxxx

The television flickered mutely, casting flashes of color on the walls of the bedroom that reflected eerily off the disco ball hanging from the ceiling. Eddy leaned back against the headboard, the bed creaking as he shifted; the other had been so quiet, if not for the fact his dead weight had caused Eddy's arm to fall asleep he would have forgotten Double D was there. The black-haired male curled up against him let out a sleepy whimper of protest, but otherwise gave no indication he was even awake; as had become something of a ritual over the past week or so, the taller teenager had some how ended up next to him, passed out as often as not, and still dressed in jeans and an undershirt and that _irritatingly ever-present hat…_

_What a lump._ Even before _it_ had happened… Well, Double D wasn't the most normal kid he'd ever met, but Eddy had grown up with Ed, so what did any of them know?

Eddy rested the TV remote on his stomach, his much thicker arm resting on the other's bony shoulder, while Edd's glassy, unfocused eyes stared passively at the mute screen of the television. This wasn't how they did things but extenuating circumstances had changed the rules. Eddy didn't try to read very far into his friend's behavior; it bothered him, sure, but on some level he figured this was just something Sockhead would have to work out on his own. His own mother had seemed supportive enough of this after talking to the creepy guy the state had sent out, who had explained Double D's new version of weirdness away as _just shock_. Eddy had his own way of looking after his idiot, silent friend, and coddling Edd would probably just drive him away or freak him out worse than he already was. Besides, as much as the uncharacteristic silent streak disturbed him, Edd wasn't likely to do anything _particularly_ stupid with him there...

Right?

_... Right._ Eddy unconsciously growled, hazel eyes narrowing at the lump in the black knit beanie in the near dark. More at the stupid beanie then its wearer, but having seen the two separate all of maybe four times in the past ten years, he had built up the mental tendency to consider them as one entity.

He snorted at the thought, which seemed to jolt Edd, Double D (because to him there was no distinction), in turn jolting _him_ from his lethargic uselessness. Edd didn't particularly care for Eddy any more or less than Ed, not that it bothered the spiky-haired brunette. It was just weird, and he couldn't wrap his brain around why_, why_ the supposedly smart one out of their group would do this to himself, to _Eddy _for crying out loud. Making him care.

He glared at the electric flickers of light on the ceiling. Like it was their fault this had happened, that _Eddy_ was the friend to go to for a hug that the stupid pale idiot was driving himself sick over. Though to Edd's credit he never did, at least out loud. No, getting even _this_ close to Eddy McGee was would have to be enough for him.

Someone was an asshole here, which Eddy knew, even if it was just that little voice that sounded like Eddward yelling at him over something stupid. Eddy's pride just wouldn't let him show that he cared, yanno, _except_ like this. And besides, he told himself again, _he didn't care. _Double D knew him well enough not to expect anything like that.

He didn't even realize Edd was looking up at him, dull green eyes concerned but mostly confused, until he happened to glance down a minute later.

Edd's dull green eyes took in where he was before sitting up on his knees next to his friend; it didn't escape Eddy's notice that he winced, flinching when he had to prop himself up on the mattress with his hands and those skinny forearms. Eddy let his own arm drop to his side as his friend sorted himself out, painstakingly. Carefully.

As infrequent as Edd would sleep, the times he did were usually within some proximity to Eddy. This had turned out to be fairly awkward at first, but not for the reason Eddy had thought it would... Hell, it was a rarity anymore to see the pale kid asleep unless he had taken the sedative Eddy's mother had finally caved and slipped him. Eddy would pester him into eating, but Eddy could tell he had lost weight and Double D didn't _have_ weight to lose.

"I-I'm sorry," Edd stammered, wincing again as Eddy took a curled hand in his, running his fingers over the rough, broken skin, the bandages over the obviously bloody knuckles. He didn't dare look at Eddy, who stared at him in the near-dark, both disgusted and feeling an uncomfortable stab of concern. This wasn't normal, even for Sockhead, and the sad thing was Eddy knew it wasn't even him he was trying to apologize to. Eddy let out an impatient snort, watching him flinch when he raised his own hand, not to strike but brush his bangs out of his eyes.

"I'm not gonna hurt ya, stupid," he muttered, catching the other's wrist gently in one hand. Ignoring the flinch he presumed was Sockhead just being a semiconscious prude (at least that hadn't changed); he reached up and brushed the offending hair out of the way. "See? S'better, innit."

Edd tilted his head at him and Eddy imagined for a second he was trying to remember how to work his tongue into words. Just breathed for a moment, staring at him like that… Jezus, it had only been a week or so… "Heh-lo. Eddy."

No,' salutations, gentlemen,' or some other obnoxious greeting, just an uncharacteristically simple 'hello.' Eddy felt the pale boy's pulse quicken under his fingers, though Edd didn't try to pull away. The guy from the state said when he started talking again that would be a sign he was getting better. Eddy still wasn't sure who he wanted to punch more, Double D for his apparent meltdown or the suited creep for pretending he knew anything about them, any of the Eds.

They were a trio, for better or worse; had been for years. Ed, the tallest and kindest-hearted, was more of the touchy-feely kind of guy, Eddy outright despising most forms of overt affection while, for the most part at least, Edd seemed indifferent, even wary of it. Ten years or so of living with someone got you very acquainted with all their quirks and mannerisms, quite a few of which in Edd's case had a tendency to press on the shorter teen's patience after a while. But that was the beauty of their friendship, as Eddy knew full well he irked Edd the same way- the shorter boy just took a decidedly blunter sort of pleasure in it.

Speaking of Ed… The third member of their trio had been over again a few hours earlier, as he had almost every evening since the _accident_. Eddy knew his friend was gone when Ed had gathered Sockhead up in a smelly bear hug and Double D hadn't had a seizure or a conniption; Edd didn't return the embrace, but he hadn't fought to get loose as Eddy had expected either. Ed had actually cried when Eddy's mother offered to take him instead, which Eddy had to admit, at least that made sense. Between being a single parent and both Sarah and Ed, the arrangement was probably best for everyone's mental health.

Eddy ran his fingers over the rough broken skin of Double D's hand. Jeez, _this wasn't how they did things._ None of it, from Edd practically moving in with him for the 'short-term,' to finding him staring at either the wall in Eddy's bedroom or the bleeding hands in his lap and muttering incoherently under his breath, or only being able to sleep when the sedative finally kicked in and knocked him out for four or five hours at a time… None of it made any sense. He didn't talk or eat or even bathe unless the brunette reminded him, which was frustratingly out of character for the obsessive-compulsive neat freak.

"What time is it?" the other inquired of the biting silence, though it was Eddy who was there to respond. The shorter boy had grown somewhat accustomed to the odd question, as though if Double D lost track of the time he'd lose whatever still kept him here. Or that's how his mother had explained it, anyway.

"About nine. It's Tuesday, remember? School's tomorrow." Not that Edd was likely to go, considering the day of the incident Ed had found him passed out in the hallway at school, probably from a panic attack. Eddy tried to keep his voice neutral, but it was hard when what he really wanted to do was literally shake his friend out of whatever slump he had dug himself into with this. Eddy had found him almost driven to tears over _hand-washing_ more than once over just the past few days, a ritual that had if anything become more regimented after he had come to live with the McGees and had resulted in his hands dried and cracked at the knuckles, bleeding more often than not. The absurd thing was the apparent logic that the blood was acceptable, whereas the germs that Eddy was sure were figments of Eddward's twisted imagination, were not.

"… And it's about nine-oh-seven," Edd replied distantly, fidgeting with the sleeve of his shirt. Tired green blinked up at the shorter's own hazel eyes. "At night?"

"Yeah…" Uneasily, Eddy sat up, hand having shifted to his trembling shoulder. Eddy could count on one hand the number of times he had seen the other boy cry over the past few years, and in the last week or so since it had happened, he had still managed to keep it together. If Edd suddenly burst into tears, Eddy didn't think he could handle it and not end up hitting something, or keep from just joining in- stress had a way of making a person do stupid things.

There was a quiet moment where Edd simply cast his eyes around the dim room, arm still crossed against his chest as he slowly clenched and unclenched the fabric of his shirt in his fingertips. Where Eddy watched as something finally seemed to register in the deep circles of his eyes, and then-

"Okay."

Eddy just stared at him. _Okay, what?_ But Edd was already sorting himself out, his jeans catching awkwardly as he turned himself to face the silent television, hunched over and just close enough to Eddy that he wasn't actually touching him.

The shorter boy had never had a reason to really be afraid of his friend, despite all of the questionably-safe gadgets he had developed over the years and his odd, rather eccentric behavior. What normal kid studied butterfly cocoons for fun, anyway? But Eddy would still vouch for him, that Edd was essentially harmless. _It's just shock,_ Mr. Murphy had said, and Eddy had just wanted to punch the well-dressed know-nothing smartass. Shock. Right. What the hell did he know about Double D?

_Still, it wasn't like _Eddy would ask him about his feelings, why he was so upset. Which Edd in turn expected and in his own way sort of counted on; Edd really had no idea how he would respond to a question like that if the tables were turned, and besides, that's not how the Eds did things. Edd knew he needed Eddy's sort of rough personality to feed off of, a counterpoint to his own quiet one. To give him an anchor so he wouldn't turn into, well, _this_. Eddy's just _being there_, a personality far bigger than the short teenager himself, had been somehow been enough for all these years.

But as much as he cared for Eddy as a friend, there were things Edd knew he just wouldn't understand. To Eddward the difference was very simple: Eddy never had to question who he was, he just _knew._ He knew, and in some distant way Eddward hated him for that, and Edd didn't hate, _Double D_ didn't hate. But the prim and proper Eddward, the little voice inside him that screamed in misogynic agony when Ed ate something unidentifiable or one of Eddy's 'projects' involved the sewers and Double D had been so close to finally telling it to _just shut the hell up_… Yes, _he _could dislike to a degree that was very much akin to hate, because the jealousy thatEddward had buried so deep for Eddy and his asshole of a brother, well, it burned and he hurt for it, and Edd hated himself for recognizing it, feeling it. At worst, Eddy lived in his older brother's shadow, which was probably annoying but at least he had some sort of figure to emulate. This all sounded very melodramatic and hysterical to this new iteration of Edd, the one sitting on Eddy's king-size bed at nine-something on a Tuesday. Really, it just seemed rather stupid and more emotionally involving than he was used to, or even particularly wanted.

In fact, it was Eddy that served as the explanation as to why the naïveté that had grown with him over the years regarding his parents suddenly fell flat, and Eddward couldn't look at him without feeling judged for it, couldn't touch him or else it would make everything suddenly so real it really might kill the taller boy. Double D was supposed to be the smart one, the logical one. The one Eddy and Ed went to for answers; that was how they had stayed friends for so long, each knew just how far to push the another without causing him to snap.

But what were any of them supposed to do when an outside force pushed one of them to that breaking point? Edd wanted that sick, reassuring hope back so much it made him ill to think about it, because that was normal behavior for a devoted son, right? But you couldn't have them back, the rational part of his brain fought, strengthened by every time the black-haired boy knew Eddy was holding back because the stocky teen was more likely to _make him_ see his way (which was usually very painful and best avoided if at all possible). _Hard to have back something you never had in the first place._ But that was the rational outlet,_ that was healthy_, that was the better way. And though it had killed him inside, he had said, 'okay.'

... Which was why the more he thought about that conclusion, the more Eddward knew he _had_ lost it; he wasn't a masochist, there wasn't anything he was trying to atone for... Crossing his bare arms over his chest, Edd huddled into himself and stared at the mute television, wishing his brain would just shut up and maybe his hands stop hurting. But the loop of twisted logic had ingrained itself deeply in his psyche and refused to let go, unable to turn it off-

"It ain't your fault, yanno." He might have mistaken the first statement for coming from some show on the TV, but it wasn't until a half second later that Eddy unmuted the device, so that was out...

The bed creaked again and Eddy muttered something else into his shoulder that Edd didn't quite catch (since of course he wasn't looking for it), leaning over Edd to grab for the remote on the side table. Edd blinked, unaware he had had his eyes squeezed shut and relaxing the grip around his knees.

"What?," he finally asked blankly after a few seconds, and Eddy could have laughed. Double D asking him for a reiteration… Instead of replying to the question, though, Eddy eyed the black hat again.

"I was just thinkin'. You don't need this, Double D." And before Edd had a chance to blink, he had tugged it off, long, unruly black hair falling to Edd's shoulders. Edd let out a startled noise, swiping upwards at Eddy's arm at belated instinct, but missed; it had been the fastest Eddy had seen the other boy move in at least a week, and smirking, he held the article behind his back. Double D looked about ready to cry or pounce on him before Eddy held out his hand- "Jeez, just hear me out, alright? Cuz I ain't sayin' it twice."

Edd paused, obviously more inclined to just take his chances, but the palm against his sternum was also a very valid reminder that Eddy was a great deal stronger than him. Sitting back, he nodded.

Eddy paused for a second to sort his thoughts out. A week and a half was a long time for the shorter boy to keep his thoughts to himself, though if he had known this was all it took to get a little fight back in his friend… "Look, how long have we known each other?" An index finger met Edd's chapped lips, shutting him up. "Purely rhetor… rhe… Just be quiet and let me get this off my chest, okay?" Edd did something weird with his eyebrows, but nodded again.

"Okay. You and I have been friends for a long time and I've been wracking my brain for the past few days, but I can't remember the last time I saw you like this. It's not you, and it's freaking Ed and me out."

Edd slowly cringed, opening his mouth to either dispute the statement or apologize, neither of which Eddy wanted to hear. "Stop, okay? Just… _Stop apologizing_, you've kind of taken it to the point where it doesn't mean anything." Edd frowned, but anything he might have said swallowed at Eddy's words. This frankly shocked him, remembering Double D's tendency to dispute and or find fault with most anything Eddy said.

"An' besides. Not like what happened was your fault, so stop blaming yourself for it." Eddy touched Edd's chin, forcing him to look him in the eye, rolled as it was. "You are Double D, or Eddward or whatever you let people call you. But you're my friend, always. And Ed's," he added as an afterthought. "And," he growled, showing Edd his hat but keeping it just out of reach before tossing it to a far, dark corner of the room, "you don't need this anymore." Stunned, Edd watched helplessly as Eddy reached up to where Eddward had unconsciously covered his head and the wispy black hair that hung to his shoulders. "You look better without it, Sockhead." And he flashed him one of his completely confident smiles, the one Eddward recognized as what he used most often right before a scam blew up and they had to make a break for it.

And Double D had to laugh, because it was true and, if he was honest knowing it was a relief. Eddward may have died with his parents, but that didn't mean Double D had to disappear. It was the opposite, in fact- without Eddward he was free, free from the expectations of failure and the hope that someday it would be different, because it _was_ different, and it was different today.

Eddy felt him give way, bloodied hands lowering slowly from where they had tangled in his own hair. "My father… He hated this." Edd's words were barely louder than a whisper, but they were stronger than before so Eddy let him talk. "I mean, they were always… They had their jobs. I can't really fault them with that... It seems silly to say it like this, but… They're really gone this time." The words still sounded forced and foreign to Eddy, who hadn't heard his friend utter anything but murmured apologies for little, trivial things or ask for the time for the past week and a half. Sad when this was showing progress... "I guess... Its just weird to think I have to say goodbye to someone I barely knew, but should have known better..." He blinked the shadows of his eyes a bit less deep in Eddy's opinion, though it might have just been a trick of the light.

Edd leaned forward so the side of his face met his drawn knees. "Not to be morbid, but I'm curious. How do you suppose you would deal with...?" Edd's voice trailed off, part of him fearing he had gone too far, part of him too tired to care. Eddy shrugged, scratching the back of his neck as he considered.

"Probably bawl my eyes out and get it over with. Preferably in front of Nazz or Kevin, Nazz for the pity date and Kevin, cuz I'd put money on him being a douche about it, so I'd have more of a reason to throw cinderblocks at his house, the prick. I mean, I'm grieving, right?" Eddy gave a sort of half smile that Edd slowly returned. "It'll be alright, dude…"

And though Eddy wasn't much for affection in any form (it was unmanly, duh), with Edd somewhat in the same boat (though maybe just from lack of experience), the arm not occupied with holding the remote came around the other's back and settled there, tugging Double D to his chest in an awkward but determined embrace. Edd slowly returned the hug, wondering if this was what he had wanted in the first place.

"You're about the smartest dumb person I know," Eddy muttered in his ear, and if Double D's shaking was from laughing or crying, Eddy never did say one way or the other.

**Author's Notes:**

**People grieve in different ways. Some people, like Edd, probably just don't know how. Others, like Eddy, likely would try to hide it or blame something or someone for what was upsetting him. In my opinion, Edd's too introspective to blow up like that, though.**

**I make these kids into such f'ed up little monsters, I swear. I like the idea of Edd having a sort of split personality, its interesting to think about. Blah, and the ending was awful, I think I just ran out of steam for it. Oh, well. Experiment? Yeah, we'll put it as that. Also, for whatever killed Edd's parents… I dunno, car accident? Not really all that important, if you think about it. AND THE MCGEES TOTALLY ADOPT EDD, I forgot that part (explodes). **

**Read, Review, and as always tell me how much this sucks :P **


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